God saves his people into families. A nurturing community where souls are cared for and loved. In this episode of Breaking Bread, ACCFS’s church outreach team shares the vision that propels the work they do.
Show notes:
Vision: By God’s grace, the Church Outreach division of ACCFS is committed to supporting the local church by providing resources and teaching that equips the local church to care for its members.
Often, our bodies seem like a liability to our emotional, relational, and spiritual health. After all, our flesh is weak. Yet Jesus beautifully sanctioned the bodily experience when He came to earth in the flesh. He showed us that our bodies should not be scorned but instead listened to and exercised to the glory of God. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter and Isaac Funk help us see the role our bodies play in our emotional and spiritual health.
Common Misconceptions:
Truth:
Jesus saw more. He saw what others missed in a setting. He saw what mattered in an interaction. He understood the reasons for a situation when others overlooked it. Jesus saw more. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Matt Kaufmann highlight critical purpose for the elderly among us. Help us like Jesus helped his disciples – help us see more.
“Grief can’t be avoided; it waits for you to walk through it.” June Knobloch said this. She and her husband understand grief deeply after suffering the loss of their son Jeff to suicide. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Del and June share their story of grief and how they walked through it.
Resources:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
This Lifeline is for people experiencing a crisis and is available 24/7 in the United States. If you need help for yourself, a friend, or family member, call or text 988 right away.
Coping with a Suicide [ACCFS]
As you face life after a loved one’s suicide, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. This article provides resources to help support you with your lose.
Preventing Suicide [ACCFS]
Those on the front lines of engaging our youth- parents, teachers, employers, mentors and those with a heart for our youth can be proactive in working to be aware and possibly help prevent suicides. This article provides information to help those on the front lines to be there for individuals that are struggling.
Laughter is relational, healing and necessary. In this episode of Breaking Bread ACCFS clinicians Ted Witzig Jr., Brian Sutter, Kathy Knochel and Kaleb Beyer enjoy a light moment together. But don’t underestimate the weighty benefits such moments bring to our mental health.
There are many matters that concern us: struggle, hurt, loss and sorrow abound. Yet, even among these, humor exists. Sometimes laughter springs from surprising places acting as a grace from our heavenly Father who no doubt loves to see his children laugh.
What is laughter?
What are the elements that give rise to laughter?
What are the benefits of laughing?
How can I learn to laugh?
Emotion is like fuel. The right amount, at the right time and for the right purpose, yields wonderful results. However, on a negative note, emotion is like fuel. That is why healthy people know how to regulate their emotions. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Brian Sutter coach us on how to do that.
Show Notes:
What is Emotional Regulation?
Why does Emotional Regulation work?
What are some skills for regulating emotions?
Where can I learn emotional regulation skills?
What will be required for me to use regulation skills successfully?
Disagreement in marriage is real. Anyone who is married understands the wisdom of being “equally yoked.” Fortunately, Christians are “equally yoked” on the basis of faith in Christ. Yet, there are many other ideals, values and dreams we might not be so “equally yoked.” In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer gives us a path forward for finding unity in the midst of the conflict this reality brings.
Show notes:
Background: Conflict around values and dreams are uniquely challenging because of the deep-seated nature of the held beliefs. Consider the examples below:
Conflict Intervention: How couples can move through conflict. [Intervention based on Dr. John Gottman’s research]
Youth is a time of life when all manner of ideals are being formed in a person: reasoning skills, social skills, character qualities, work ethic, and academics. And yet, greater than these is the formation of the image our kids will have of God. Their God image is the sum total of their beliefs and feelings about who God is. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter speaks to the importance of shepherding this important formation in our children.
We live in a God-bathed world. He is everywhere and in everything. But too often, we are moving to quickly to see Him. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Isaac Funk coaches us on how to slow down so we can catch up with God.
When we are restless with our ordinary lives, we are forgetting:
Folding laundry, mowing the lawn, cooking, cleaning, fixing and working. Life is pretty ordinary. God must be disappointed in my life. Or is He? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Isaac Funk helps us understand the beauty that is possible in the ordinary.
Aren’t options great? So much to choose! Yet Kathy Knochel brings a surprising twist to the bliss of options. In this episode of Breaking Bread, she will help us see the shadow of options and the surprising value that comes by way of commitment.
Commitment frees us in two ways. It frees us from and it frees us to.
Attention is currency. It has purchasing power. No one needs to explain this to Facebook, Instagram and Snap Chat of course. But for those of us who spend our attention a little here and a little there, we may be surprised to discover attention is not just petty cash. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Arlan Miller and Matt Kaufmann connect the dots between what we pay attention to and who we become.
Wonderfully, hope grows large. God intends to use our attention to grow us into the likeness of Christ.
“But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.” 2 Cor 3:18
Marital distress happens. Pain will occur. And when it does, our attachment styles will kick into full gear. Soon we will be behaving according to a script that was written a long time ago. However, these powerful scripts can be rewritten. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains what attachment styles are, how they are written, how they can be rewritten and the difference it makes in the marriage relationship.
Four Attachment Styles:
The Past: Often a secure attachment is constructed when caretakers have not dismissed emotions from children nor have they catastrophized matters.
The Past: When in distress, a child seeks soothing from caretaker but does not find it. The caretaker is not present, or is overwhelmed. The child learns independence and internalizes the struggle.
The Past: When a child was in distress, it intensified distress in caretaker. Child learned that they were responsible for the pain in others.
The Past: When distress occurred in childhood, confusion played out. Addiction or abuse may have been present.
When distress in your relationship turns unhealthy, seek to do the following.
Resources:
One easy and quick way to identify your attachment style is to take the following quiz – The Love Style Quiz. This quiz takes about 15 – 20 minutes to complete and is designed to help you discover your primary attachment style.
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
Authors: Milan & Kay Yerkovich
This book seeks to show how early life experiences create an underlying blueprint that shapes your beliefs, behavior, and expectations in your marriage. The authors identify four styles or blueprints and provide principles to help you break free of negative patterns and enhance intimacy.
I should know by now that yelling seldom works. Moreover, it most often works against me. Fortunately, we don’t have to be screamers. On this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter explains how an introspective person makes gains on his/her anger.
Solomon the wise said, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty.” Those of us who have lost the battle of self-control know just how mighty “the slow to anger” are. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand the emotion of anger. He explains its purpose, how it works and how to live wisely in your own experience so that you might be slow to anger.
The church is God’s family. To participate in church, is to participate in “together.” What if “together” is difficult for you? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kristen Schwind and Ron Messner give voice to the introvert in church. They highlight both the weaknesses and the strengths our personalities pose in how we experience the “together” aspect of church.
Who is an introvert?
Who is an extrovert?
How can introversion in the church be challenging?
How can we walk in an understanding way towards the introvert in church?
What encouragement is there for the introvert?
The church is God’s family. To participate in church, is to participate in “together.” What if “together” is difficult for you? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kristen Schwind and Ron Messner give voice to the introvert in church. They highlight both the weaknesses and the strengths our personalities pose in how we experience the “together” aspect of church.
Who is an introvert?
Who is an extrovert?
How can introversion in the church be challenging?
How can we walk in an understanding way towards the introvert in church?
What encouragement is there for the introvert?
The communication process is hard enough with just words. Add emotion to the mix and sometimes we might as well be speaking a foreign language. This is because the present moment meaning we attribute to emotions has been constructed in the past. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer untangles the knot spousal communication can find itself in because we are not decoding the emotions in the room correctly.
Identify formation follows a simple path: Exploration to Commitment. Exploration must precede commitment. Commitment must precede a settled identity. Yet, taking the path is not necessarily easy. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr. explains some of the finer points along the journey to belonging, purpose and worth.
Identity answers the question, who I am and who I am not. An answer that is multi-faceted -both objective and subjective. Sometimes obvious and other times obscure. And to make it trickier, it shifts over time. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Ted Witzig Jr helps us understand the nature of identity formation and how we can better steward this area of our life.
Show notes:
Identity is:
Aspects that make up identity:
Events that unsettle identity:
Process for forming identity:
Troubles in forming identity:
Identity brings about:
The most important identity:
We don’t like it when things are out of reach. Especially when they are good things. But sometimes they just are. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter helps us understand what health looks like amid the disappointment of our inabilities.
Definition: Limitations are those things that we cannot do or achieve regardless of effort or resources.
Reality: Limitations are often sources of pain in a person’s life. We don’t like to be told “no” you can’t do that.
Healthy Mental Processing: Limitations are losses to be grieved.
Healthy Mindset: Do not identify yourself according to your limitation. Rather, understand your limitation to be part of your unique story and an aspect beloved by God the Father. Pivot your thinking away from limitations and on to opportunities.
Healthy Action: A lot of good is instore for you even with your limitation. Invest in those areas you can contribute and improve in.
Definition: Weaknesses are those things that we struggle to do well, but with effort and resources, can improve.
Reality: The ceiling of our abilities is most likely untried. We can make meaningful gains in many areas of our life.
Healthy Mental Processing: We need to discern the difference between limitations in our lives and weaknesses.
Healthy Mindset: God has given us the responsibility to steward our abilities. Continuing to grow and learn is part of the human flourishing He calls us into.
Healthy Action: Growth is a function of effort over time. Engage the growth process.
Many explanations for our present realities harken back to our past. After all, who of us has not been shaped by the layers of life upon life? The marriage relationship is a crucible whereby these past experiences have a very present voice. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer explains the impact past trauma plays in present marriages. Understanding this unwelcome visitor in our today marriage relationship provides a great deal of explanation for the interactions we experience between spouses. It also, unlocks a hopeful path for an increasingly healthy marriage.
What is trauma? Sometimes our present experiences trigger danger, even when we are objectively safe. This may be a sign of trauma. In our past, traumatic experiences threatened our safety. Today, experiences may trigger that past offense and send negative reactions surging through our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Trauma can affect all areas of our life including the marriage relationship.
Thoughts are triggered by trauma: Trauma strikes at the perceived safety of an individual. The offense against a spouse’s safety in the past leaves them vulnerable to this perceived lack of safety in the present. Triggers prompt thoughts that say “I’m not safe in this moment!”
Feelings are triggered by trauma: Past painful memories hold intense negative emotions. Thoughts of jeopardized safety cause feelings of fear, unwanted exposure, a sense of helplessness and feelings of loneliness.
Behaviors are triggered by trauma: Perceived “over-reactions” can occur by those wounded by past trauma. Present situations trigger a reaction conditioned by the past. Individuals might fight, take flight, or freeze. They might pull away to avoid vulnerability. This can be disorienting to the individual and their spouse. Relational connection is broken and reception of love in these moments are difficult.
Understanding is helpful: Understanding when past trauma is speaking in the present can be helpful. It can provide explanation for the unwanted reactions that happen in present situations. This can lead to compassion and empathy.
Moving toward healing: Establishing safety within self and with spouse is the first step in moving forward. Couples will need to work on establishing trust and allowing vulnerability to happen. Being curious is key and seeking not to personalize present triggers to past trauma. Some question prompts can be helpful:
Couples who want to make healthy gains in this area can make use of resources:
In some situations, uncovering the trauma and finding healing may require a counselor.
The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want. This classic Bible verse from the Psalms sums up the whole of contentment. Yet, there are some well-worn pitfalls. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tom Waldbeser and Isaac Funk address these and how they can be avoided.
Contentment is not the ability to do without. Rather, it is possessing all that matters. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Tom Waldbeser and Isaac Funk present this possession from which contentment is a byproduct.
Contentment is:
Contentment is hindered by:
Contentment comes by way of:
Contentment brings about:
Sometimes caring comes with a cost. An emotional tax. Overtime we can become spent, tired, irritable and overwhelmed. Living in a world with lots of cares, compassion fatigue is real and is having its impact. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Brian Sutter help us understand how to maintain a measure of health while at the same time engaging in a hurting world.
The brokenness of our world is brought to our awareness in increasing measure. From pandemics, natural disasters, wars, famines, injustice, oppression, mistreatment, tragedy, political debacle and societal changes, we are in no lack of matters for which we are aware and for which we care. If the brokenness we are confronted with in our world at large was not enough, matters of deep care and concern fill our personal lives. Loss, divorce, addictions, aging parents, disabilities, financial hardship and more make demands and draw on our physical and mental compassion reservoir.
In many ways, a reservoir is a good illustration for the capacity we have with care. Matters of concern draw on our compassion reservoir. When depleted, we experience compassion fatigue. The emotional toll that comes when we mentally and physically are spent. When experiencing compassion fatigue we can become apathetic, cynical, frustrated or exhausted. When we are experiencing these realities, we are not bringing our best selves to the matters we care about.
The answer to compassion fatigue is not caring less. Rather it lies in proper perspective and proper self-care. By attending to these two areas we can fill our compassion reservoir.
A proper perspective is one that holds our broken reality in a God-oriented world view. This view acknowledges we were not created with the frame to process all the brokenness around us. In God’s perfect creation intent, He intended to keep at bay this darkness. Yet sin defiled our innocence. This perspective helps us understand compassion fatigue is expected. On the flip side of the coin, we understand compassion is actually an attribute of God. It is His reaction to the brokenness we experience. In His likeness, we example His attribute to our world. We fill our compassion reservoir when we understand God ultimately is the savior of the issues that concern us. He is always active. When we are not “on call”, He is. No situation is solely reliant on us. In fact, often God has many other people as active, compassionate, image-bearers devoted to the matters that concern us.
Proper self-care follows from this perspective. Healthy compassionate people regularly rest from their worries. They intentionally take sabbath rest. They give their bodies the physical rest it requires to be effective. They detach their minds from concerning matters. They know where and how to invest their mental space in restorative activity. This can range from taking a nap to exercising; from working on a puzzle to reading a novel; from making music to painting a picture. They also engage in restorative relationships. They invest in relationships that support them in ways of accountability as well as enjoyment. Healthy compassionate people also know what is not restorative to their compassion reservoir. Not all mental escape is equal. Sometimes individuals think activities are restorative when they are not. For example, in an attempt to distract oneself away from cares, they escape to places that stimulate the brain to more anxiety. Social media is one common example of this. Each person needs to know him/herself and what is and is not restorative.
While we were not created for the brokenness we encounter, we were created for the goodness of God’s creation. Wonderfully, traces of that goodness abound. Healthy compassionate people look for this goodness and engage in it. When they do, their compassion reservoir is filled, and they are able to draw on that compassion to minister to the hurting around them. And when they do that, God’s compassion is brought near to this broken world.